Eccentrically me!

OH MY GOSH ALL TIME LOW IS COMING TO MANILA. WHY MUST THE CONCERT DATE HAVE TO CLASH WITH MY ENTRANCE EXAMS?! Oh death.Anyway, back to business...So a friend of mine is joining this online contest where you need to spam stuff online to meet her/our favorite band thats coming over to Manila soon... Sadly I can't go because of the entrance exam for De La Salle. So I'm just going to leave this pretty little number here. Kasuy, you better get me some merch, you hear? XD

Catch All Time Low on Sept. 21 at SM North EDSA The Block 6:00 pm for their mall appearance and on Sept. 22 at the Araneta Coliseum for their concert! Details at www.facebook.com/astroplus1! Special thanks to Astroplus, Ovation Productions, Dayly Entertainment and MCA Music

Here's KC's Blog. :D She's epic.

Well, my senior year started off with quite the load of things to do.
Not only am I a leader now, I'm also a debater, a soccer player, and a youth group participant. I have a lot on my back right now and this is all happening during entrance exam season! This is crazy! I never thought senior year is going to be very light on us since we are all worrying about entrance exams and the like... But as Ms. Jeni has said, we ae the busiest 4th year ever in erdkinder history. That is a cool label to be holding on to if you ask me. :>

A lot of things has happened since I last blogged and how I wished I had blogged as much as I could, reasons why I haven't been blogging much was just the fact that I was lazy. Oh laziness, why must you constantly irk me. >3<

But enough of that, i'm back now and that's all that matters. I'm thinking about blogging more about other things, not just the things that happen to me everyday... Like maybe music and movies? TV shows? Cool stuff? Places? I don't know but I wan my blog to me much cooler this year. :D

Well I feel like crap today...
Somehow this summer is turning out not so good. Despite the fact that I'm keeping myself busy with lots of fun summer activities I still feel a tinge of... I don't exactly know what it is but it definitely isn't good. These summer activities keep me busy and generally in check but when I'm just at home no matter what I do there I'm just unstable again. I hate being miserable. Life is too short to be I know, but somehow almost everyday of this summer is just "one of those days" again for me. And I hate that.

I got so many thoughts in my head and these thoughts have been making me feel uneasy. The sad part about it is that I have no one to talk to about these problems and thoughts of mine. I feel that if I don't blow off some steam soon, my head will explode! OR maybe I myself would be the one exploding into nothing but a broken shell of what was once a happy girl. My depression never really left me, I guess you could say it was a little bit idle for a few hours a day. One minute I'm really happy, the next, I'm miserably depressed for no or many reasons! I really want someone to talk to but lately I feel as if I can't really reach out to my close friends... Its getting pretty hard to do that. I guess I just keep worrying about what they might think of me or how it would change how they see me. Lots of thoughts in my head contradict what they think is right and I'm just scared that I'd be judged by them. Even right now as I'm writing this entry I'm holding back and not spilling all my thoughts knowing that some people who read this might judge me. No I am not EMO... That's just wrong I'm just a lots and confused soul who is desperately trying to get back on track to find herself.

Is it just weird that I can't cry anymore? I guess I ran out of tears to cry after several months of doing so. I'm most probably at a point where I'm cold or apathetic to all emotions now. I feel depressed but I can't seem to cry it out, I feel angry but I can't seem to let off the steam that's just boiling inside of me. i just stay quite. Despite my loud and happy exterior I'm really just so broken inside. I use that exterior to cope with my problems but I guess the comfort of that is just short lived. At one point I wanted to give up on friends believe it or not. I actually wanted to delete my facebook account because I kept thinking about how they might not actually care about me as much as I do with them. (I don't think I'm making much sense anymore but this post is just to calm me down as of the moment so I don't really care.) And a lot of I want to die right now thoughts have been coming into head a lot already. No I don't want suicide I just... I don't know its hard to explain how I feel about that matter. I just want peace. Peace within me, but I guess I can't find that through death.

Ok just to clear things up. I don't want to die, I just want the peacefulness death gives. Peace from all of life's problems. I am depressed mostly about nothing, once in a while something but never something that involves unnecessary things at my age. I just need someone to listen right now.

-Kenny

Its finally the summer of my junior year. I'M STILL A JUNIOR. I refuse to be called a senior despite the fact our seniors just graduated. I'm so proud... I'm going to miss them terribly, I shall never forget them. I can honestly say that they were the most epic bunch of seniors ever. Because they graduated it just occured to me that I myself am no longer a junior when the new school year starts. Junior year just went by too quickly, I can't even. This summer, in which I am STILL a junior (in denial of herself at the moment) I have a lot on my plate but I guess it might as well be good for me rather than just staying idle around the house. I guess I'm kinda glad that I have a lot to do, that way I'm actually being productive.

But as of now, my summer is still quite idle. Things start picking up on the third week of April so I've been thinking about some stuff I could do over the summer. I sort of got this idea from Julia when she told me about her post in Tumblr and I was inspired so I decided to come up with my own to do list for summer.

1.Strengthen relationship with God
2.Learn how to kick butt with Muay Thai
3.Cook something amazing
4.Share the food with friends and family
5.Watch a Concert
6.Go to a beach with friends
7.Build a sand castle then wreck it with a soccer ball
8.Go white water rafting
9.Play Airsoft
10.Go camping
11. Do extreme sports with friends
12.Write on my Journal everyday
13.See fireflies in real life
14.Catch one
15.Fix up my room
16.Fix up my closet
17.Donate unwanted/unecessary items
18.Watch a broadway show
19.Hang out with Brothers
20.Get new hairstyle (most probably just get it treated.)
21.Have a Disney marathon with childhood friends
22.Have a sleepover in the house
23.Watch a new anime series
24.Practice sketching
25.Finish at least 2 books
26.Walk my dogs while Jogging around a village
27.Go biking
28.Learn how to sing a song perfectly
29.Re-live a childhood memory
30.Make a kite then fly it on a windy day
31.Play hopscotch with friends like in the old days
32.Master one guitar solo (even just the little ones)
33.Learn how to dance
34.Run through a field of sprinklers with friends
35.Look for constellations on a starry night
36.Eat something bizzare (already did this last break but I want to do it again)
37.Design a room
38.Sleep under the stars
39.Play XBOX Kinect
40.Get and XBOX Kinect
41.Play Final Fantasy XIII and XIII-2
42.Get a external hard drive
43.Go out of town with friends (even just Manila is already great)
44.Go shopping (hey, I'm a girl, I still like to shop)
45.Take 900 photos and send it to brother
46.Improve photography skills
47.Get a massage (never tried, I want to though)
48.Get a footspa (always wanted to try those)
49.Finish a Jigsaw Puzzle
50.Learn a new language (or even just get better at Chinese)
51.Travel out of the country
52.Learn something new (it may be big or little, I don't care)
53.Not spend a summer in a hospital
54.Play soccer
55.Watch a movie
56.Watch a 3D movie
57.Eat all you can but not gain weight
58.Go an entire week w/o internet or TV (need this to get my list done right?)
59.Discover who I am
60.Improve my soccer skills
61.Go on a retreat
62.Have a watergun fight
63.Play lazer tag
64.Spot a celebrity (It'd be cool)
65.Buy a pair of sunglasses (I never had one)
66.Blog as much as possible
67.Make tons of song covers with Florence and Sherwin
68.Record and original song and song cover with people mentioned above.
69.Post something on Youtube
70.Get a new swimsuit (nothing vulgar please)
71.Have a photoshoot with friends (I don't necessarily have to be on it)
72.Wear different hats for an entire week
73.Build a nest out of pillows and blanket and enjoy a good afternoon nap X]
74.Jam with friends
75.Prank or play a gag on random people in the mall
76.Act crazy with friends in public places
77.Capture every moment spent with family and friends
78.Post something on deviant art
79.Return stuff I keep forgetting to
80.Sing a song acapella style
81.Get a henna tattoo
82.Climb on to the roof of a house
83.Climb a tree
84.Make a floor plan of my dream home (well can't a girl dream?)


I doubt I'd even accomplish my list but hey, I'll try. I might as well live like I'm dying right? I still have more in my head since this is a 100 item list. I'll edit them in some other time. Can't wait to do all this.

-Kenny

So it's been a while since I last checked in and I am terribly sorry for that my dearie but I have been so couped up with my academics. Well not really academics but its still a school thing. Recently we just completed the biggest ambition the school ever had. Performing Les Miserables the musical. Yeah its was reaaaally hard and it required a lot of time and effort from us. Basically that's the reason I haven't really done a lot of things. I hope my academic grades don't falter because of this endeavor our school had. Although, all our efforts didn't go to waste. After an intense week of practice in Liceo's Rodelsa Hall (yep no school for a week) we presented the play to over 400 hundred people. Thats the maximum capacity of the hall; plus some people were already standing on the stairs just to watch. We performed like our lives depended on it and we were fueled by adrenaline. Because of that things went smoothly and our efforts were rewarded a standing ovation! Would you believe that?! Us, a bunch of untrained high school kids aiming to perform the legendary musical, Les Miserables and we surpass all expectations of people that we got a standing ovation! It's amazing! Just goes to show what you can accomplish through God's help. We seriously could have never reached this glorious feat without God. Our directo, Anita Santos, even told us that plays getting standing ovations in Rodelsa never happen and that we were the first ever play in history to get a standing ovation. AMAZING!I also got good feedback from my family. My brother even updated his status and said he was proud of me. It makes me feel so happy! Even my relatives commented! I actually feel like I have accomplished something great for once.

After the play we had an awesome victory party over at Xavier Estates Country Club. It was a poolside party andwe had a blast swimming and partying. Well, I wish I did that is... I hate how my mood swings happen at the worst moments ever! I feel as if I wasted a whole afternoon/nightjust being depressed and such. Nearing the end of the party people managed to cheer me up though, which was a good thing but I just wished they did it earlier!

Sadly, right now it's back to reality for me. It's finals week and GOOD GOSH! Why is the week going by so slowly?! Well, yes I like that idea; more time to study lelelelel, but I somehow wish I could just fast forward things straight to the last week of school where we just sit around and do nothing! So far my finals have been doing well. I'm studying as if my life depended on it. I just took my Math finals and it went... ok. Now i'm just worrying about my Science final. The coverage is insane! It covers everything since the start of the schoolyear up to our last lesson!Its a 100 item exam! AAAAAAUGH! God, please help me. I have been reading my notes and text books since morning and I don' think my brain can take any more information; I don't think my butt can take any more of the sitting either. I swear by the end of this my brain would already have imploded and my butt would have been reduced to about 30% from its regular size. That wouldn't be pretty. :T

Now, as to the reason why I'm blogging... I JUST NEED A BREAK! I can't take any more info as of now and the day has gone by so agonizingly slow. I never really intended to update you my dear Blog (i'm sorry!) but it was just downright boring, I needed something productive to do; as if this was productive. Amazingly enough though, I am more relaxed and I wrote an insanely long rant about random crud...Ok. That is all for now. You are dismissed. lelelelel

-Kenny

P.S- I WANTS ME SOME CLAFOUTTIS WITH CHERRY COMPOTE WITH MASCARPONE ORANGE AND LEMON CREAM! (just watched junior master chef last night.)

WARNING: RANT INCOMING

You know, the thing about depression, is that not a lot of people take it seriously. Or its so easy to hide. You try to muster up the courage to come out with it but then after you come clean with it people don't see it as a really big threat. They just go all: "oh it's just a phase..." or "You'll get over it soon..." or even better "Everyone goes through these things." Being depressed is not all that easy... Not wanting anyone to know yet wanting someone to actually try to find out what's up. Oh yes the irony.

It's like everyday there's a new mask to wear and usually its the happy type of mask. When you wear that mask you usually end up being so convincing that people don't suspect anything is wrong with you when in fact almost everything is wrong with you. The thing with depression is that, you don't want it but somehow it just keeps coming back to you. Then you get depressed even more because you hate that feeling of sadness, that your happiness is only a mas or so temporary and you question "why am I like this?" "Why is my happiness only temporary?" You want so badly the happiness that your friends have yet... when you try its so hard because that feeling just wants to stay with you. What's worse is that you actually welcome it because there's this comfort you feel when you cry. The tiny hint of peace that creeps up to you when the tears fall from your face. I know its sounds contradicting because how can you be at peace when your whole self is in emotional turmoil, but crying somehow make things at ease somehow.

Why is depression so hard to come clean with? Is it because I fear what my parents would think of me? Or is it because I fear that I may end up being an even bigger burden to them and put them into emotional turmoil because of the fact that their only daughter who they though was so happy is in fact not happy at all? I don't want them to blame themselves because they have been nothing but the most wonderful parents a girl could ever want and this sadness that I feel is something even I don't know what the cause is... I want to know what the cause is but I can't seem to pinpoint what it is. Is it guilt? What did I do to make myself feel guilty? Is it unworthy-ness? Of course I'm unworthy. I'm unworthy of everything yet I still have that! Is it hate? Hate of myself? OF course everyone who isn't a narcissist hates some part of him or herself. This depression, I don't know what the cause is but I want it gone so bad!

You know what this depression makes me think about? It makes me think about myself... What did I do to make myself end up in such a painful state of mind?! Why did I end up being so sad all of a sudden? Oh yeah sure hormones, we can blame it on that sure yea ok whatever... To me that's just an excuse almost everyone comes up with to convince themselves that this is just a small thing! To me this is a big thing, a huge thing, this is a problem I want to solve before anything drastic happens! Last night when I just sat there on the bed trying to sleep but failing at it badly I jsut kept thinking about this problem I have... It's hurting everyone in my family! Especially my mom! I want to tell them so badly so that my mom could stop blaming herself for my mood swings; she keeps blaming herself when its not! And that makes me sick to my guts! I don't want people blaming themselves because of me! Either way, I'd still be a burden... I wish I could just show them the urgency of my situation. I mean, they already know I'm depressed but they just think its not that big of a deal. I have been dealing with this since last summer! Last summer! And it's killing me that its slowly killing my own family and my relationship with that family.

This loud mouthed girl that always take up most of my waking hours is not really who I am, it's a mask because I know that who I really am is not what everyone wants to see and that who I really am will just prove to be a big burden (emotionally) to my friends and family... I really just want to be heard! But no one really tries hard enough to listen.

*End of rant*
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So... Did you hear about The Maine and We The Kings coming to Manila for a concert? :>

-Kenny